Compliments from Esquire Magazine.
1. Women can tell if a man is the kind of man who likes women.
2. Women like a man who likes women who like to eat.
3. An unsolicited kiss is to a woman as free playoff tickets are to a man.
4. Even better: flowers on days that aren’t Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, or birthdays.
5. Speaking of flowers, they are most effective when delivered to the workplace.
6. Getting back to kissing: more lip.
7. Less tongue.
8. The small of the back, the nape of the neck, behind the knees.
9. While the occasional quick love bite is, in context, welcome, that incessant animal-in-leg-trap gnawing: no.
10. As a rule, even if she wears a thong the first time you see her unclothed, she prefers white cotton panties.
11. As a rule women don’t like heels.
12. Should she decide to wear heels anyway, have the confidence to support her decision, even if they make her taller than you.
13. If you ask about her previous boyfriend and she gets a small wistful smile on her face, change the subject.
14. You have no previous girlfriend.
15. If she doesn’t believe you when you say you have no previous girlfriend, admit to only one and offer, “she was unintelligent, a bad dresser, lousy in bed, couldn’t cook, and had warts on her nipples.”
16. It also doesn’t hurt to add that you like pets, enjoy children, volunteer often, and think, if only the church weren’t against condoms, you could have joined the priesthood.
17. Never let her arrive at an event alone.
18. Sometimes women want it when you don’t, and for you not to give in on such occasions sets a terrible precedent.
19. Her job is just as important as yours.
20. If she works out, compliment her muscles.
21. When asked if she looks fat, even if it’s the one thousandth time, you must be always at the ready with an immediate, confident, “Suuu-reeeeee!”
22. That was a joke.
23. Not a joke, and a phrase you should commit to memory: “Of course you don’t look fat”.
24. No you were not looking at that other woman.
25. First date don’ts: overdress, underdress, show up too early, show up too late, or talk too much about yourself.
26. Relationship helper: Please complete: anniversary date ____, birthday____, dress size____, shoe size____, bra size____.
27. Know that while Rhett Butler can get away with telling Scarlett O’Hara that she “should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how,” you cannot.
28. Only acceptable pickup line: “Hi my name is [insert your name]. What’s yours?”
29. On PMS: The fact that she knows hormones are causing her temporary crankiness doesn’t make her feelings any less real, so cut her some slack.
30. At those times when she criticizes your mood, it’s okay to remind her of how you always cut her some slack on PMS days.
31. Do not expect this gambit to work.
32. Don’t insult her friends, even if she does.
33. More than anything else, women want you to make them laugh.
34. Women are less excited about receiving gifts of lingerie than you are about giving them.
35. Women are less excited about sleeping with another woman for your viewing pleasure than you are.
36. Men always overestimate the size of their wive’s or girlfriend’s chests even as they underestimate the size of their wive’s or girlfriend’s hips.
37. Wishful thinking is bad for your relationship.
38. Avoid a women who competes with her mother or her sister.
39. Embrace a woman who is best friends with either.
40. Women dislike men who are liars.
41. Women like men who have close friends.
42. No matter how furtive or quick the glance, a woman always knows when you are looking at her breasts.
43. Second date don’ts: See first date don’ts, plus don’t presume that you are now entitled to sex.
44. Going shopping with more than one woman at any given time will consume a minimum of seventeen hours that could have been spent napping.
45. Contrary to popular belief, an out-of-shape man is just as unappealing to a woman as an out-of-shape woman is to a man.
46. Women want you to pay for dinner.
47. It’s pointless to argue with her if you’re not going to win.
48. You’re not going to win.
49. A good woman is as excited about a gift that costs nothing as she is about a gift that costs a lot.
50. Women have to pay more for their haircuts, dry cleaning, and shoes, and this upsets them.
51. Women have to buy new outfits every season, and this makes them happy.
52. Should you hit it off with a woman, perhaps think you are soul mates, and fall into bed in an unclothed, heavy-breathing, romance novel tangle, and, in the the heat of it all, she moans, “Daddy,” do not even attempt to put your pants on until you are in the car.
53. The idea of love at first sight, though attractive to women in theory, terrifies them in practice.
54. The quirky perfect gift that shows you’ve been listening is worth twice the value of anything you can find at Tiffany’s.
55. Of course it doesn’t hurt if the quirky perfect gift happens to be from Tiffany’s.
56. Gifts that may be quirky but never perfect, a blender, a beater, a vacuum cleaner, or a waffle iron.
57. While yes sometimes means no, no always means no, as does her ordering the garlicky pesto sauce, twirling her hair around her finger while gazing absently into space, and getting up to go to the ladies’ room and never returning.
58. Third date don’ts: See first and second date don’ts, plus don’t start talking about how you never want to have children, or for that matter how you want to have children immediately.
59. Women, much like men, are human, and thus appreciate when you ask them questions about themselves.
60. Most women do not like ice fishing, golf, bowling, or poker, which is why every man must take up at least one of these hobbies, because, while uninteresting, they allow for the woman-free consumption of liquor and the unfettered discussion of, you know, women.
61. Those few women who do like ice fishing, golf, bowling or poker are the reason God invented the Elks club.
62. Never ask a woman why she’s mad at you, as she will only get madder at your not knowing.
63. One follow-up to an unreturned phone call is acceptable, two is stalking.
64. If you’re single, the tango will do the trick. If you’re married, the tango will also do the trick. Possibly even with your wife.
65. Women do not desire to be introduced to a new brand of perfume.
66. Women do not wish to be trifled with should they, on occasion, order dessert.
67. Less than .05 percent of the male population is attractive enough to ignore chivalry, and most women over the age of twenty-five prefer to admire such men from a distance.
68. Don’t kiss and tell even if you are really proud of yourself.
69. Love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry. It means having to say you’re sorry over and over again, in new and different ways, every day, every week, every month, even when you don’t want to, every year, until God grants you his mercy and you finally, blissfully die.
70. Showering a woman with gifts after the first date is the romantic equivalent of a comb-over.
71. Women who come from big families are more fun.
72. Women who have two or more brothers are less likely to be disgusted by you.
73. Women, despite all your years of trying to understand them, including your intimate familiarity with Freudian psychology, the occasional intelligent glance at Cosmo, and memorization of these seventy-three things a man should know about them, will always remain a mystery.
